Ever wish for a little alone time? Me too. Want to be lonely? Me neither. Maybe that's why God trusts us with the ability to develop community and build relationships.
COMMUNITY IS A GIFT WE NEED
Want to understand how deeply we need other people? Go back to the beginning of the human story. God creates a perfect world, puts the first human in the middle of it and relates face to face with him. And something is still missing. The fix? Another human. Turns out even God can't fully fill our relational needs.
COMMUNITY IS A GIFT OTHERS NEED FROM US
It isn't just that we need others. They need us too. When God wants to describe the importance of spiritual community he talks about a church as a body. The point? Every part needs the other. If we isolate ourselves, others are missing out on what we bring to the table.
COMMUNITY TAKES TIME TO DEVELOP
If relationships are so vital, they should be easy right? Credit the first humans for screwing that up. After they disobey God, relationships go south. People start hiding from God and each other. And we haven't stopped yet. We hide because we've been hurt. So do we give up on people altogether? No, but we might want to take our time and proceed with caution. Jesus gives us a good model here. He had different concentric circles of relationship (PUBLIC, SOCIAL, PERSONAL, INTIMATE) and revealed more and more of Himself as the numbers thinned. We'd be smart to do the same.
THINK/TALK:
Q: How much alone time do you have in your life right now? Too little? Too much? Just enough? What would you do if you had a day all to yourself
Q: Have you ever been/felt isolated or lonely? For how long? What caused it? How did it affect you?
Q: What does it say to you about our need for relationships that even with Adam's "perfect" life in Genesis 2 (safety, food, living in paradise, talking face to face with God) he still needed another person?
Q: Why do you think Jesus chose to live in such intentional community- spending the better part of 3 years with a group of people?
Q: Look back at Hebrews 10:23-25. Note the balance between faith (which many see as personal and internal) and community. Why are both important? Which comes easier for you?
Q: Do you ever think that others might be missing out if you isolate yourself from them? What positive qualities and abilities do you bring into other's lives?
Q: The first human relationships got screwed up when sin entered our world. Adam and Eve hid from each other and from God. Do you ever hide from relationships and intimacy? How do you cover yourself so that others won't see you or hurt you?
Q: What do the words "spiritual community" mean to you? Do you think "community" = telling everyone everything you are thinking? How have you seen relationships grow and develop?
Q: Which is harder for you- building relationships or maintaining them? Why? What would a good next step be for you in terms of continuing to develop community?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Trusted WITH COMMUNITY
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5 comments:
Boy, if didn't Fred's sermon hit me right between the eyes! Especially when he got into his tendency for us introverts to feel as if they avoid other people so that other people don't have to put up with our own peculiarities, baggage, and outright damage. I've said exactly that to myself. The thing of it is, though, that I stink at small talk, but I also like to debate deep issues. I'm trying to figure out how to talk to people so that they don't feel like they're being attacked no matter what they bring up. :)
Q: How much alone time do you have in your life right now? Too little? Too much? Just enough? What would you do if you had a day all to yourself[?]
Too little. Way too little. As a parent of very young children, it can be difficult to get time away. Paradoxically, though, I hunger for adult interaction like no time I can remember in my life.
I also have a job that leaves little room for individual creative expression, which I find frustrating. If I were to have some time to myself, I'd like to think that I'd spend it creating -- writing, drawing, composing, or some similar activity. I have lots of ideas that I'd love to flesh out that simply lack time to realize. (Since this form of expression is a kind of communication, not being able to do it also leaves me feeling a bit isolated.)
There are books to read and movies to watch, too, should creative juices fail me. I think the main idea is just to get my brain moving in some different direction for a little while.
Q: Have you ever been/felt isolated or lonely? For how long? What caused it? How did it affect you?
Oh, wow. Yeah, of course. Generally, it's made me alternately angry and bitter, which is exactly the wrong thing. Maybe it's a case of rationalizing that if I am not connecting with other people, then I don't want to connect with other people.
The question of what caused it is a complex one. I'm new to the area; that's part of it. I have enormous demands on my time. I stink at finding out what those special little things are that cause people to "click". I'm not very happy with myself, so I don't know how much of myself to offer (there's that introverted thinking again).
Q: What does it say to you about our need for relationships that even with Adam's "perfect" life in Genesis 2 (safety, food, living in paradise, talking face to face with God) he still needed another person?
Well, to be fair, Adam also had a person created specifically for him. And he screwed that up, too.
So yeah, obviously, there's the notion that we seem to need people (at least, we did before we screwed up; we may well need them even more now), and that that need is natural and right. Unfortunately, there's also evidence that it's now our nature to do things to sabotage our relationships (one chapter later).
Q: Why do you think Jesus chose to live in such intentional community- spending the better part of 3 years with a group of people?
Part of it, I imagine, is that He wanted to show people in an intimate way what living a godly life looks like. It's one thing to hand down the book of Leviticus; it's another to demonstrate it. Books don't have to relate to people or adapt to circumstances that change from one minute to the next; they stand as an immutable collection of knowledge that may be difficult to apply in the heat of the moment, and which may seem only theoretical. A person, though, lends a sense of feasibility to the subject matter. There's a reason that the "WWJD?" meme has caught on, whether or not you happen to like it.
Let's say that you made the argument to a collection of very patient Bronze Age nomads that it was possible for a multi-ton vehicle of metal and glass to fly faster and higher than any bird, and for thousands of miles at that. A few might believe you because they like to dream about what might be possible, but I'm fairly sure that most would be skeptical. Some will also refuse to believe outright.
So you take the skeptical ones aside and attempt to teach them the relevant physics. Based on what I think I know about human nature, most would be unwilling even to try to understand whether what you were saying was true or not; it takes a lot of effort and time to understand, and even on the off-chance that what you're saying happens to be true, it would be hard for them to see how this knowledge would be useful to their lives in any way. Their lives are pretty full with all of the sheep herding and water gathering and other things that dominate their day-to-day existence, so they wouldn't have time to waste on this "flying metal bird" nonsense.
Of those who are left, a decent number simply wouldn't be able to grasp the material.
When you finish, the few who are left might believe you and even employ the principles behind your explanation in making new things (even if the ability to construct an airplane is beyond them, they could still use some of the physics you described to make simple devices that would have subtle impacts on their lives and lives around them). Others might be convinced that you certainly know how to speak in a convincing manner, but they wouldn't be sure whether your ultimate conclusion is true or false.
Replace the intellectual things above with their spiritual analogues and you'll see what I'm getting at. Merely delivering information doesn't always reach people or change how they behave or think about things.
Now take that same group and let a guy flying a Piper Cub land in the middle of their camp. There might still be a few holdouts who maintain that the whole flying machine thing is an elaborate hoax, but most would be immediately convinced that there's something to heavier-than-air flight. The pilot spends time talking about the principles of flight, and selects a lucky few exceptional students to take a spin in the plane as a passenger. Those few allowed this privilege (the plane only has so much fuel, after all) would have to be witnesses that tell other people all about flight after the pilot leaves. Even after the shifting sands have erased all visible signs of the pilot's visit, those willing to listen to the students would know that heavier-than-air flight is possible because a person came to their village once who could do it; he even brought a few people with him when he did.
I'm rather proud of myself for inventing this analogy. It's not perfect, of course -- mental ability is not nearly the same thing as spiritual insight, especially since I believe we can't really perceive the truth at all without God's help. But I think it shows nicely why God coming to Earth and showing us His ways through relationship is different from giving us a book of rules.
I also think that the idea of God willingly surrendering aspects of His different-ness from us is an amazing testimony to His desire to love us and bring us to Himself. It's human nature to hope that the other party makes the first step in creating a relationship, isn't it? By being a person Who formed a community, Jesus showed God's desire to be in relationship with us.
And finally, since relationships are an almost inescapable part of being human, it makes sense that if God is going to go to the trouble of being a human, He's going to show us how to do them right.
Q: Look back at Hebrews 10:23-25. Note the balance between faith (which many see as personal and internal) and community. Why are both important? Which comes easier for you?
Well, without faith, all you have is a social club. And without community... well, people are easy to fool. A person left on his own with ideas bigger than those his head can handle can easily go off his nut. (Even a relatively rigorous discipline like science requires peer review to make sure that conclusions are not the result of the bias of an individual or small collective.) It's also the case that other people keep you responsible and teach you insights you might never have seen on your own. Since faith is a journey and a process (and not simply, say, a mental state or a list of things you happen to accept), the benefits of society are absolutely critical.
As for which comes easier... faith, definitely. I wish I could remember who said it, but the basic idea is that in the minds of many Christians, there's only one thing worse than being a nonbeliever -- and that's being the wrong kind of believer. Even if one is dedicated to following Christ, there's a lot of latitude for differences of opinion and unconventional ideas. I am ultimately responsible to Christ and to the Word of God, but I also admit that I enjoy thinking a little differently. So in addition to all the usual excuses that an introvert is disposed to telling himself, I've been afraid that if I were to honestly talk about things, I'd probably end up offending a lot of people.
Bottom line: I'm darned good at coming up with excuses. :) I'm glad someone like Fred is out there to speak honestly and openly about these things, and to allow us to do the same; otherwise, we might never recognize the excuses for what they are, and unrecognized and unconfronted behavior cannot be corrected.
Q: Do you ever think that others might be missing out if you isolate yourself from them? What positive qualities and abilities do you bring into other's lives?
It's kind of challenging to think that there's something I bring to the table. I recoil at all the people in the blogosphere who seem to think that they're the only ones who have ever sat down to contemplate the intricacies of life, and who seem to think that every word they type constitutes grand insight. Yes, your mother and kindergarten teacher might have told you over and over that you are special and unique, but I can guarantee you that no matter what your personality is, you've been done.
Other people have seen what I've seen, thought what I've thought, and said what I've said -- only their insight was sharper, their thoughts were clearer, and their language was more eloquent. Just about everyone on the planet could say this, it seems to me. In a world full of voices, I feel guilty asking people to listen to mine.
What do I bring to other people? Good question. You might have to ask them. :)
Q: The first human relationships got screwed up when sin entered our world. Adam and Eve hid from each other and from God. Do you ever hide from relationships and intimacy? How do you cover yourself so that others won't see you or hurt you?
I used to be really good at changing the subject whenever someone asked me a personal question. A good friend's wife noticed and spoke up, though, and I can't do that nearly as often as I used to. :) (Regrettably, I've moved away from them; I need to find someone else to keep me socially responsible.)
I've already mentioned that I stink at small talk, so I just generally tend to avoid conversation.
And arguably, the fact that I still refuse to sign in is a form of hiding.
Q: What do the words "spiritual community" mean to you? Do you think "community" = telling everyone everything you are thinking? How have you seen relationships grow and develop?
Oh, no. I'd much rather be in a very small knot of people whom I felt I could tell anything if I had to; that's a long way from telling everybody everything. I've been lucky enough to have a few relationships like that. They're rare. I miss them.
There's definitely a difference between "friends" and "acquaintances", and a lot of the difference can be measured in trust. There seems to me to be something a little pathological in people who treat their own emotions as if they're cheap currency, glibly and gleefully admitting the most intimate things to people they barely know.
Usually, by the time I can get to the level of a friend, some initial awkwardness must be overcome and rough edges worked around. That usually takes a decent amount of patience on their part and mine. It's largely a matter of just working through life together and seeing what level of closeness and honesty other people are comfortable with. After all, you have to know if you're the sort of person whom they would feel comfortable getting to know or not.
Q: Which is harder for you- building relationships or maintaining them? Why? What would a good next step be for you in terms of continuing to develop community?
Does "initiating them" count? :) I've tried looking for people in the area with interests similar to mine, but so far searches have turned up largely blank. Of course, I'm pretty new here, so this will likely just take time. I think I'm in the middle of my logical next step (talking to people, trying to see what people do in the area, and so on); we'll see how it goes.
Once the relationship is in place, though, I tend to be pretty loyal if I say so myself.
Speaking for myself, being the (full-time) parent of small children was probably the most difficult job I ever had. (A close second was high school teacher.) Sometimes I thought I'd lose my mind from the tedium: change diapers, make peanut butter sandwiches, go to the park, endure tantrums, then do the exact same thing the next day. Sometimes it felt like I went weeks without having an adult conversation, much less an intelligent adult conversation. For someone who considers himself something of an intellectual, that was almost too much for me to take. My level of general crankiness and irritability during those few years was higher than it's ever been. (Which annoyed the hell out of my wife, BTW.)
And moving to a new place carries its own set of stresses, as you no doubt are aware, so you're dealing with two biggies. I think you're allowed to feel a little frustrated and irritable. At least, you have my permission.
FWIW, I stink at small talk, too, so I tend to avoid it if I can, and do my best if I can't. (Also, if forced into "social" situations, I try to hang around people who are really good at small talk, like my wife, Fred, or my friend JD.)
Lance
P.S. Love the airplane analogy.
It occurs to me that my rants have been focusing a bit much on what I want to get out of relationships. That doesn't seem right to me. If I'm to learn from Christ's example, it seems that I ought to be more concerned with giving other people what they need than in trying to get what I want. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like, since I feel to a certain extent like I've gotten myself into this mess by doing exactly that. Against my own personal preferences on the matter, I've twice now moved away from deep, treasured friendships for what I hope is the ultimate good of the family, and I think I'm kind of on the young side for that. (Unfortunately, I also stink at maintaining long-distance friendships.)
God, of course, is good enough to bring meaningful relationships into my life. He has before, right? It's just that waiting is hard. I should probably spend less time hiding and hosting my personal pity party and more time trying to figure out what it would mean to be the right kind of friend when the opportunity strikes. Wallowing in laziness and fear isn't changing the situation at all.
Lance: Sometimes it felt like I went weeks without having an adult conversation, much less an intelligent adult conversation. For someone who considers himself something of an intellectual, that was almost too much for me to take.
I think that's it, generally speaking. I'm the sort of person who likes to discuss ideas and dig after the roots of notions that people like to hold. It takes a while before you can get to that level with people. In a way, it's actually rather cathartic to write here. I don't want to turn this into my personal dumping ground, but it's been nice to have something that isn't thoughts echoing around in my head.
It's also nice to have spiritual discussions that aren't restricted to the standard Sunday School questions and answers. (I was in a small Bible study in college. A girl also attended who would usually blurt out the answer the discussion "questions" in the back of each chapter with one of two one-word reponses: "Jesus" or "prayer". It kind of became a running joke in the group. I didn't get to know her that well, but I like to think that she was making a clever, subtle point: the "right answers" in a lot of these things that pose as deep Bible study don't really require much thought, and don't really allow you to get to know the people you study with.)
In that vein, I envy your experience as a high school teacher. That age really seems to be right about when kids start to develop multiple dimensions to their personalities. They're also in a position to check out a lot of new opportunities. Watching a genuinely curious person explore is one of the most heartening and awe-inspiring things life has to offer; it's nothing short of amazing to watch the process of investigating and understanding. Of course, getting kids like that is rather rare, but I imagine you must have some stories to tell. :)
Lance: And moving to a new place carries its own set of stresses, as you no doubt are aware, so you're dealing with two biggies. I think you're allowed to feel a little frustrated and irritable. At least, you have my permission.
Thanks. :) I know other people have been where I am, but it still helps a lot to talk to one of them. Thanks for taking the time.
Good discussion folks.
ANONYMOUS:
Great point about Adam screwing up a relationship with his "perfect woman". Now I don't feel nearly as bad about all my ineptitude.
Also, loved the airplane example. Nice word picture. Speaks to this coming's Sunday topic of the idea that God trusts us to represent Him and the hope Jesus offers us. Yeah, it's in the book but people want to see it too.
To your point about what we uniquely bring to the table, I agree that there is nothing new under the sun (or in the blogosphere). However, I think what we often miss is that God has placed each of us in our unique situations to bless and support each other. Sure, every church might have people in it who are natural (or supernatural) encouragers, but what happens if the two or three that are a part of OUR body don't engage others? It isn't that there aren't others somewhere who could lift other's spirits- and maybe better than our encouragers could- but God hasn't put them in our body. Make sense?
On the moving thing, I think we greatly underestimate the toll that moving takes on us. Even when we make "a good move" we still shake up our worlds- relationships included- in a way that takes a while (a year +?) to settle back down.
LANCE:
Have I ever told you that you are my hero for doing the stay at home dad thing? I'm not sure that my kids or I would survive. =)
Fred: Great point about Adam screwing up a relationship with his "perfect woman". Now I don't feel nearly as bad about all my ineptitude.
Tell me about it! I had these wonderful ideas about being wonderfully romantic and all before I got married. It came as a complete surprise how hard that is with little kids around -- primarily because the way my desire to be romantic gets recharged is when I feel like she is willing to be my playmate and companion, and no one has time for that when the little one is chasing the cats again. :)
But taking care of our women is one of those "good works" we can encourage each other towards, right? :) I know mine deserves so much more than she gets for putting up with me the way she does.
Fred: Also, loved the airplane example. Nice word picture. Speaks to this coming's Sunday topic of the idea that God trusts us to represent Him and the hope Jesus offers us. Yeah, it's in the book but people want to see it too.
That was the idea. There's a world of difference between flying and knowing how flight works.
It's also the case that it's extremely rare for a single engineer to know an entire project (like building a plane) from start to finish in minute detail. One engineer might be good at propellers, but not really know how airspeed indicators work. Another might be really good at magnetos, but kind of clueless about drag coefficients. It's only when the engineers all work together that an entire airplane can get made. And along the way, it's absolutely critical that (1) if an engineer has a weakness in his knowledge that he find the person who can help him, and (2) that the engineer being consulted be open about what he has learned so that he can pass on his what he has learned.
In the same way, we Christians don't know everything about being like Christ (though we might like to pretend that we do). The thing is that we will only progress if we are humble enough to seek the advice of others, and if those who share do so openly.
This physics-as-metaphor-for-spirituality thing really works for me. :)
Of course, airplanes aren't the only thing that's too complex for one person. Pencils are too complex for one person. I doubt there's anyone who knows everything about how a pencil is made -- there's mining the ore and smelting it and shaping it to make the grommet that holds the eraser; there's chopping down the wood, transporting it (can you make a vehicle?), and cutting it; there's making paint and applying it evenly...
If you dropped a person near all the raw materials he would need and told him to make a pencil, I can virtually guarantee you that he wouldn't have anything we'd recognize as a finished product in any useful span of time. He probably wouldn't even get around to making all the tools he'd need for the job. We humans seem to need each other, even for something as simple as making pencils. It should be patently obvious that we need each other for something as difficult and life-consuming as learning to become like Christ!
It's kind of amazing how blind pride can be when you think about it.
Fred: To your point about what we uniquely bring to the table, I agree that there is nothing new under the sun (or in the blogosphere). However, I think what we often miss is that God has placed each of us in our unique situations to bless and support each other. Sure, every church might have people in it who are natural (or supernatural) encouragers, but what happens if the two or three that are a part of OUR body don't engage others? It isn't that there aren't others somewhere who could lift other's spirits- and maybe better than our encouragers could- but God hasn't put them in our body. Make sense?
Sure. But we each tend to try to fulfill our own needs, don't we? If we get discouraged, we buy a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. If we hunger for the Word, we try to satiate it with sermons on tape. If we feel discontent, we go shopping.
It's kind of paradoxical, really -- a bit like the Prisoner's Dilemma. It works out better if everyone works for the best interest of the group, but it's very human to act in a way that protects our own self-interest given the uncertainty about how the group will behave.
To put it another way, it's relatively easy to see how we need others; many things, like Christianity, are too big to do alone. It's more challenging to see how I would be needed, especially since there are already those who attempt to do it by themselves.
Maybe it would help to go back to our analogy (or one like it). If every automotive engineer who had a strength in a given area operated in exactly the same fashion, all cars would be identical. The engineer who designed the exhaust manifold for Hyundai would design exactly the same product as the engineer who designed the exhaust manifold for Subaru, and so on. And that would be not only boring, but terribly restrictive; new automotive engineers fresh out of college would have absolutely nothing to bring to the table, and engineers in general would never learn anything from one another.
In order to get the different kinds of automobile we enjoy, and in order to ensure that the automotive industry continues to grow and evolve, it is vital that different engineers with different personalities (including different strengths and weaknesses) exist. Because here's the tricky thing: if you took the exhaust manifold engineer at Hyundai and replaced him with the exhaust manifold engineer at Subaru and asked the new team to redesign the Excel, the end product would look completely different from the original. That's because each engineer in a team designs to some degree as an adaptation to how other people around him are designing, since his system has to act in concert with the other systems in the car. The exhaust manifold would be different, implying changes in the compression ratio, implying engine differences, implying transmission differences, and so on.
Wow. This is suddenly rather eye-opening. What if God put together each little body because He knows what He wants the (metaphorical) automobiles that roll off the assembly line to look like? And that if the (metaphorical) guy who makes the glove compartment holds back because the guy who makes them at Mercedes is better (and has even written a book!), the end product won't be what He wants?
Whoa.
I agreed with you from the beginning, incidentally. Sometimes, talking out an idea changes my perspective on it; I see the problem in a completely different way from how I saw it when I started to reply to you. (Again, I have to thank you for this forum, and for prompting the discussion in the first place.)
Fred: On the moving thing, I think we greatly underestimate the toll that moving takes on us. Even when we make "a good move" we still shake up our worlds- relationships included- in a way that takes a while (a year +?) to settle back down.
If experience is any guide, it takes me longer than a year. It's hard to be patient. But I really, really, really appreciate your understanding -- both of you. I've been in too many Christian groups where the answer to this kind of loneliness problem is along the lines of "Have you been praying enough lately?" or "How has your 'quiet time' been?" Yes, we can all improve in these areas, but sometimes, you just want a human. Small wonder that Adam was all "bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh" when he saw Eve; it must have been the most amazing thing to him when he saw her. Someone so like him, but different enough to be intriguing and exciting.
Fred: LANCE:
Have I ever told you that you are my hero for doing the stay at home dad thing? I'm not sure that my kids or I would survive. =)
That goes double for me. I love my kids. Really, I do. But if I had to spend all day with them every day, I'd probably end up on top of some building with a sniper rifle. It would seem that I have much to learn from you. :)
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